Vaudevillain

Shizuka whooped as she leaped from her high flying ninja kite. Only a few others had joined her on the descent, the rest choosing a more ‘normal’ entry of landing their shared aircraft. Figures she’d get stuck with the boring ones. It wasn’t like the kite was hard to fly!

Sure, there were barely handholds and an incorrect twitch could send you spiraling to the ground, but that was just part of the excitement! Speaking of which, something was going on down below right this moment.

With another cry of joy, the villainous ninja separated from the pack and dove straight toward the growing fracas in her sights. Heroes and villains alike were in a huge mess of a brawl, weapons and fists flying like fireworks on the Fourth of July. She caught the tail end of many shocked faces, likely newbies unused to the back and forth of super power fights.

Well, Shizuka certainly wasn’t no newbie, and not even the double negatives in her thoughts could change that!

A quick application of her power conjured a clone, which she used as a foothold to reorient herself. The clone used her momentum to shoot off toward a particularly bulky looking hero. There was a flash of steel and then a fluttering of cloth. Except, the bulky hero didn’t fall. Instead, the sword Shizuka’s clone carried broke.

“No fair,” the villainess grumbled. What use was flashy anime finishers if heroes no-selled them. The hero didn’t even stop to take out her clone! No, that ‘honor’ went to some other random shmuck.

Huffing, Shizuka decided she’d go and pick on someone her own size. Like, her heroic ninja counterpart! Yeah, that was the perfect idea. Merls basically made Shizuka, but good.

And draped in white, which would make it totally easy to find her!

With a snicker, Shizuka vanished in a cloud of smoke, conjuring a number of clones to search for Merla.

“Come out you shoddy excuse for me!” Dr. Zlo shouted. His cane hand was pointed threateningly at a brick building with a shoddy paint job that said ‘Mr. Cass’s Wayward Home for Orphans and Cute Puppies.’ “Come out or I’ll burn this place down!”

“Um, boss,” Cass said. “I think he knows this isn’t actually an orphanage.”

“What? Nonsense! Just like I have constant knowledge of orphanages and babies with candy, due to my evil nature, he must have something similar!” Dr. Zlo retorted.

“Well, um, Boss. This isn’t actually an orphanage. You only had me paint a sign,” Cass pointed out.

Dr. Zlo frowned. “Hmm. Quite right, Cass. Quick! Find me some orphans! Or if you can’t, make some!”

“Boss, I’m not a deadbeat parent that would abandon my kids!” Cass cried.

“I meant off some parents!” Dr. Zlo grumbled.

“Ah, but would that not spawn heroes?” Ms. Tama interjected. “I know of at least three heroes who have no parents.”

Dr. Zlo looked disgruntled. “Must everything be so difficult? Right, plan B! Cass, I need you to find me a museum!”

_____________

Shizuka was getting bored. It’d been like, five minutes and she still hadn’t seen hide nor hair of Merla. It shouldn’t be that hard to find a ninja in such stupidly white clothes! But no, apparently only one villain group had seen her heroic alter ego, and the ninja hadn’t even stuck around to finish the fight!

“Rude,” she huffed.

Oh well, time to switch gears again. She creeped over to the edge of the building she’d climbed, eyes darting to find a suitable target. And wouldn’t you know it, there were three heroes walking around just waiting for her! ꞦÅＮՕBÈȘ

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“Nin-nin,” she whispered. Quietly, she scaled the building and moved behind the heroes.

“I don’t see why we’re all the way out here,” the one on the left said. Shizuka looked him over. Other than his impressive mustache and shiny sword, nothing about him stood out.

“Look, it’s simple,” the one on the right said. “Everyone who can fight is gathering at that plaza or whatever it is.” This one was a bit more impressive. Though that might have been because his blue and red spandex showed off some impressive abs and glutes. No, bad Shizuka, she could ogle after she’d taken them all out.

“The one with the fountain?” the middle on asked. He was small. Which stood out mostly because Shizuka hadn’t actually seen anyone who made their avatar that tiny. It was like he wanted to be cute and cuddly. And then she saw his coat and toolbelt filled with all manner of knives, blades, and other pointy objects.

Ah, gap moe, of course. Shizuka nodded sagely. Sadly, it didn’t beat out her love of good musculature.

Yes, a decision was made. Spur of the moment it may be, but it was her decision. She would kidnap this red and blue man and toss him the morality machine. Once he was on her side she could spend as long as she wished just watching over him!

A perfect idea indeed. And with a perfect idea came perfect execution. Shizuka stepped forward, her knife flashing as she cloned herself as many times as she could. Her first attack landed, stabbing into the back of the mustached hero while three of her clones dogpiled her musclely man. The last kicked out at the shorty, a hidden dagger extended from her combat boot.

The mustached man had no chance. He reacted well, trying to pull his sword free, but Shizuka had already used her other hand to cut the holster off his hip. The hero’s hand found air and steel as Shizuka stabbed her dagger into the grasping appendage. Her clone cuddle pile had less luck, the man in red and blue somehow sensed the danger coming.

Her clone kicking the little man, however, made a successful sneak attack. The boot dagger sunk into the coat and past what sounded like an entire kitchen drawer of utensils. The short hero stumbled forward from the blow, turning and shouting in alarm. “Poison!”

“Aw, you spoiled the surprise!” Shizuka laughed.

The mustached man gurgled, then fell to the ground, his body vanishing a moment later. “See, he doesn’t have quite the same look of shock on his face!”

“I don’t have an antidote!” the smaller hero said. “Sh*t! Sh*t!”

“Just run!” the man in red and blue said.

The short one tried, but Shizuka already had a clone at the ready with a shuriken. The thrown weapon struck the hero in the head, not enough to take him out of the fight, but enough to put him on the ground. The poison did the rest of the work.

However, the hero in red and blue spandex kept avoiding her lovely hugs. And come to think of it, the hero seemed oddly familiar as well.

“Wait a minute!” she shouted. “You’re just copying Arachnolad! How dare you!”

“That’s what you’re upset about?!” he responded.

Shizuka huffed. “You’re supposed to have interesting powers! You can’t just copy someone you think is cool!”

“Oh, like a ninja is so unique!” the hero countered. A net of white launched from the hero’s wrist in an attempt to trap Shizuka. She avoided it with ease, joining her clones in the assault against this fake.

“Do as I say, not as I do!” she laughed.

The two traded blows, but it was clear that Shizuka was going to come out on top. There was only so much the hero could do against a constant barrage of knives, shurikens, and shortswords. And soon enough, a knife had clipped his costume.

With the poison now ticking, the copycat hero moved in a reckless blur towards Shizuka. He ignored the incoming cuts and readied a punch that would break concrete.

Except, in true ninja fashion, Shizuka activated her substitution technique and replaced herself with a clone. The hero’s fist passed through the clone as if it were smoke before cratering the ground. The villainess used the resulting force to launch herself into the air.

“Well, it’s been fun!” Shizuka said. “But I can’t stick around and play with copycats. Ruins my image!”

“Dick,” the hero said before he vanished.

Shizuka just laughed and continued her journey.

“I don’t understand, Cass!” Dr. Zlo roared. “We’ve stolen priceless artifacts from time immemorial and he still won’t show!”

“He’s probably busy, boss,” Cass said. “We are attacking the whole city.”

“It’s the principal of the thing!” Dr. Zlo complained. “We should be two sides of the same coin! Where I steal, he thwarts! And he should be able to do it better than anyone else! After all, he’s me!”

“Zlo, dear,” Ms. Tama said. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were, interested, in your heroic counterpart.”

“I’ll choose to ignore that inflection on interested, my dear,” Dr. Zlo said. “But why would I not be interested in him? After all, I know that only I could possibly match my genius! And now I have a heroic counterpart ready and waiting! It’s as if the universe is bending to my very wish to match wits with someone truly intelligent!”

“Well, boss, maybe we just need to keep trying,” Cass said.

“Quite right, Cass!” Dr. Zlo said. “Round up the Jacques! We’re trying plan C!”

“Which plan’s that, boss?” Cass asked.

“Plan Candy From A Baby!”

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